last afternoon at about 2pm, baby tried waking me up to go out...
but i was so tired, i said, y not go out in the evening instead, and i fell back asleep.
and it all happened during my deep sleep...
right now im thinking, if i had just woken up, gone out... nothin would have happened at all.
but i guess God has a way of making it such that, you cant hide something from someone forever. someday, ur secrets will be revealed.
and baby found out my secret while i was fast asleep.

the next thing i knew, i was being driven back home.
it was the most painful journey...
in my mind i was thinking... this is the last time i will be sitting in the car, with baby by my side...
while i was leaving his house, as i walked down the staircase, opened the sliding door and heard the mini alarm sound, saw the gate opening... all i could think of was... it's the last time im gonna see these, last time im gonna be here...
in the car, i wanted to look at baby, i wanted to take my last glimpses of him... i was afraid i might miss the way he looks, if i didnt grab the chance to see more of him when i still could... when he was still physically beside me... but... i felt ashamed to even look at him.
the journey was silent, with only the sound of the songs in our CD playing...
somehow this time, when i listened to the lyrics, they sounded especially depressing, and they seemed to be describing our situation and emotions even more than usual. the lyrics seemed to be talking to me.
i sat, hugging my belongings, mind filled with flashes of past memories, overcome with tears throughout the whole journey.

even though we've been together for close to 11 months, i sometimes still do not dare to gaze deep into baby's eyes or look at him for long. my heart will still skip a beat.
so i always snap photos of him while we're sitting opposite each other, waitin for food, or when he is in deep sleep, with his mouth hanging wide open etc.
occasionally when im bored while tavelling, id open my handphone picture folder, and look at these photos. they bring a smile to my face.
however last night, i was looking at these photos, but tears were flowing down my eyes instead.
little did i know that these photos will also serve another function - for me to be able to still look at baby, when he's gone, when he's no longer mine, when it's all over between us, when i'll no longer get a chance to see him in the flesh again.

y did it become this way?
we were supposed to go out, have the macaroni n cheese i was craving for, and have a great time...
i admit i only have myself to blame
but i felt angry at fate. i felt like i was being played by it.
why bring back something of the past, to haunt me right now, when things are so smooth-sailing between us?
it's unfair.
i daresay, for the past few months, iv really been a rather good girlfriend. and that we both are enjoying the simple, blissful life that we share together. it's such a pity to have it all ruined because of something which i did, so long ago. i dont even feel like it was 'ME' who did what i did back then... i've changed so much... i changed so much after realising that baby truly cares for me, and i have to treasure him and treat him well...

i know, because these are my feelings inside, but how do i tell it to baby, in words? there was so much in my mind, but i just couldnt translate my feelings into words, for i felt that, anything i attempted to say, would seem like such a desperate attempt to save my ass, i felt that had no right to request for another chance, i felt that my sin was so horrible that i deserved to just accept my sentence without grudging. that's why i silently obeyed, when baby said. 'Let's break up. i'll send you home.'

fortunately for me, baby is not the type of guy who'll ignore your calls etc when he's upset... he is willing to listen to explanations...
after a conversation on msn, he said he's confused, and that he'd have to think it through, and let me know of his final decision the following day.
i felt that i still had a chance, but i didnt have high hopes...
i couldn't sleep the entire night, played Audition for at least 10 hours i guess, all the way till 11am -_-
tried to call baby to wake him up for school, as well as ask him what's his decision, but he did not pick up my countless phone calls.
the uncertainty was killing me...

to quote our words during the msn conversation:

me:
but do u bear to let it all go? the times we spent watching dramas and tv shows together like old ladies, the times we order fastfood delivery and pig out, the times we sit beside each other and get lost in our own games in the virtual world, the times we talk and laugh about silly things...
it took us so much time and effort to build up the chemistry, and feel at total ease with each other... don't u find that it's a pity to let it all go cuz of a single incident that happened so long ago?

baby:
yes i will miss all that, and i find that it's a pity too. i can forgive what you did and understand why you did it, but next time when i look at you, i will be reminded of it. i'm not sure if i can do it.

me:
can we at least try?

baby:
but what's the point of getting back with a girl, if in the end we might just break up again?

even married couples break up and get divorced. even more so for boyfriends/girlfriends. nothing is really everlasting... it is not so much of the end result, but as long as a couple shared happy times during the period that they were together, to me, it's worth it, it's memorable. why force yourself to abandon the happiness that you enjoy now, just because you think that it will not last? ever since months ago when i promised you that i'd change, can you not admit that i'm really different? most of the time i'm at your place, you pick me up after school/work/wherever im at, and i don't even hav much time and contact with other people. my life has become entwined with yours, and that is the way i intend to keep it going, in future, if you decide to give us one...

fortunately for me, i have SCV to thank.
when i finally got through to him, baby said that he happened to watch 3 dramas which portrayed the idea that, what the current situation is now, and what happenes in future, is more important than what had happened in the past...
and he got influenced...

and here we are, back together again...
sigh. i admit this isn't the 1st time i've been blessed with another chance...
and, how lucky i am, to have a bf like baby...
i will definitely treasure the confidence and love baby has for me...
thank you dear...